Whether or not I am transgender or not has been the question of my fucking life, and its certainly not helped by the fact that my feelings on the matter change every so often. I suppose now that my maleness feels fine, but feminity feels better. But after a spell of dealing with some internalized misandry (more on that later) i feel kind of ok with being a man? I suppose I've never had particularly intense gender dysphoria, but sex dysphoria has always been kinda strong in me.
Yes, I know what women get shit tested all the time, patriarchy, etc. I know. Please understand that I am an individual person writing this, and that social trends are not social absolutes. I am aware.
Part of me is unsure of how to write this. I don't want to have to prefix every statement with "Feels like" because of course these aren't rational thoughts.
Through a complicated process that I don't even completely remember, I got it wedged in my head that women are more valuable than men in pretty much every way, and that women are allowed to hurt you and that you cannot even try to stop them from doing so. This was imparted through a combination of right wing propaganda telling me that the evil feminists are out to get you, and a traditionalist upbringing telling me that women must be protected, and that men's lives, let alone safety are less important. Also just the naturalist angle of females being the ones who are considered "valuable" while males can be discarded after they breed. All of this together turned into a mental complex where I considered myself as worthless on account of being a man.
As a man, there is considered to be a sort of inherent violence to your existence, fundamentally. Your involvement with women is an aggression, a process of taking something from them.